Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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