plz talk dirty to me
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
