Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
