just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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