i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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