I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
