Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
