she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
