He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
