I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
