Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
