well I can't set my house on fire every night
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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