Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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