I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
