Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
