I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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