Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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