I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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