I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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