dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
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