I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
