honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
