I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
