What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
