You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
