Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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