Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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