Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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