Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
