I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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