:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
