We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
