He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
