"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
if i can run in heels then i can drive
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
