so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
A+ Viking dick
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