Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
