Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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