In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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