According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize
