someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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