im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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