4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
