a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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