I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
