I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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