My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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