i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
