i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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