shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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