Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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