alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
