My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize