No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
