She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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