did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
