I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
