Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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