Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
