Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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